The following includes a section of screenplay from Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone along with some discussion on the segment. Both the excerpt and the surrounding analysis contains spoilers of the film and book.
This scene occurs after Harry and his two hooligan lackeys have abused their (particularly Hermione’s) unnaturally developed competency for magic to turn a fellow first year to stone, and then continue to break each and every rule they were explicitly told on screen. The outcome was that they were almost able to assist V******** (He Who Must Not Be Named) in bypassing the last and by far most robust magical security system protecting the eponymous gem. It is fortunate they did, because otherwise the series’ dark lord may have been found in a weakened state by some of Britain’s most famous and capable wizards and witches, who could have ensured a safe end to the threat he posed, and save years of terrorism and destruction. Dumbledore is clearly very grateful:
Dumbledore: …And in first place, with 472 points, Slytherin House.
There is immense cheering.
Students: Whoo! Yeah
Draco: Nice one, Mate!
Dumbledore: Yes, yes, well done Slytherin, well done Slytherin. However, recent events must be taken into account. And I have a few last minute points to award. To Miss Hermione Granger, for the use of cool intellect when others were in great peril, 50 points. {Applause.}
Harry: {Pats} Good job.
Dumbledore: Second, to Mr Ronald Weasley, for the best played game of chess that Hogwarts has seen these many years…50 points. {Applause} And third, to Mr Harry Potter, for pure nerve and outstanding courage, I award Gryffindor house 60 points. {Immense cheering.}
Hermione: We’re tied with Slytherin!
Dumbledore: And finally, it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends. I award 10 points to Mr Neville Longbottom!
What utter bullshit. The old man is off his head on something powerful, not to mention his superb sass. “Hermione, for being incredible and super clever: an outrageous number of points. Ron, you tried and so that you don’t feel left out, the same number of points.” This after he has already actively mislead Slytherin to believe they had won the highly coveted house cup. He goes on to realise that he has miscalculated and bumps the arbitrarily awarded prize for Harry by 10 points to put Gryffindor level with Slytherin, just in case there was anyone left in school who had not realised that Harry was the headmasters favourite.
Hermione is the only one in the school’s most successful house who is capable of simple addition.
Then he goes and awards 10 points to Neville for having a bit of common sense. While the most deserved and appropriate of the last-minute distribution, it was probably only done in order to prevent the school from being sued by the parents of the year 7 nerd who tried to tell on his friends, after which his petrified body must have inevitably been vandalised by the cooler kids when they came down in the morning. Upon the announcement, everybody loses their shit. “Yay for Neville, he won us the cup!” Actually no, those 10 points meant sweet fuck all in the bigger picture. The three arrogant pricks – who can’t imagine they might be less in-the-know than the school’s governance and therefore actively go out of their way to fight all the system it has put in place – are somehow the ones who have generated these pointless points.
Slytherin must be fuming. Huffle probably supplied Dumbledore with his Puff. And the smart ones in Ravenclaw must have their jaws on the floor at the stupidity of the “courageous” house and the senile actions of the school’s infamous leader.
What Grey Squirrels Are Thinking 